things i wondered on my journey this morning

-why does everyone in chelsea want to live there when it's such a crap neighborhood? there's so little to do except over in the warehouses where horrible house music parties go on really late at night.

-why do women have to be naked in ads for watches? and why are there so many goddamn stores that sell watches, anyway?

-why don't any of the cheapo stores sell necklaces with crosses on them? is it blasphemous to wear crosses at easter-time? i wouldn't think so. this is basically because the easter motherfucker party is easter-themed, so i thought i would try to at least wear a big gaudy cross. oh well. i can just put big red sharpie dots on my hands and say it's stigmata.

-why did some dork put a stellastarr* sticker up on the plastic divider in the cab i was in? that's someone else's cab! people in this city are so disrespectful. which reminds me -- i saw an awful lot of dog shit in the course of my travels.

-why is madison square garden up on 34th and 8th when madison park is on (duh) madison and 23rd?

also -- i outed a friend of mine last night. uh. oops?

i feel so dumb.

greatest hits albums are for housewives and little girls

the cover story on the new rolling stone is entitled "the immortals," and it runs down the list of all those famous rock bands and stars who are so influential, bands that are really fantastic and then bands that i think have lost their relevance, like the who and the band. anyway. the only artists on the list from the 80s are prince, madonna, U2, public enemy, run dmc, and michael jackson. and the only one from the 90s is kurt cobain. so original, right? so freash and so clean? i think they published this same article in the first rolling stone i ever read in 1992.

so i've created a list of the 15 artists from the 80s and 90s who i think have created or will create the biggest influence on modern "alternative" music, because mainstream music is such crap that i don't think it has any influence other than other crap.

1. The Jesus and Mary Chain. i'm sorry, but every other band that comes out these days sounds so much like J&MC that it has gotten officially ridiculous. the epitome of shoegazer sound. key album: psychocandy.

2. The Pixies. you know how rolling stone and spin and everyone out there pisses themselves over nirvana? well, nirvana were just trying to write pixies songs. key album: doolittle.

3. Pavement. there would be no college radio stations left in this country today if not for pavement. the epitome of california indie nerd rock. key album: slanted and enchanted.

4. The Smiths. there would be no irony in music anymore if not for the smiths. the smiths also wrote smart, melodic pop songs. they were a more morbid beatles. key album: the queen is dead.

5. A Tribe Called Quest. there is a whole starin of music that led to today's pre-eminent rap sound. but then there was the strain that comes out of tribe and de la soul. and that's the sort of positive rap and r&b that comes out of atlanta and virginia. it's outkast and talib kweli and erykah badu. it experiments. it's the funk with a message that doesn't beat you over the head. key album: the low end theory.

6. The Beastie Boys. while we're talking about rap, let's talk about the beastie boys for a minute. the beasties pretty much invented frat-house, woman-degrading rap. thanks guys. then suddenly they realized not everyone was getting the joke, so they turned around and made incredibly sampledelic music that was fun and positive. if it weren't for groups like the beasties and tribe, there would be no hope for the hip hop nation. key album: paul's boutique.

7. Sonic Youth. hey, noise can be pretty! punk on ludes. also a huge nirvana influence sonically, along with any other band that uses feedback as an instrument and has singers that can't sing. also created one of the first hipster-specific lines of clothing, x-girl. good job, kim! hoodies for everyone! key album: dirty.

8. My Bloody Valentine. more pretty noise. far more melodic than sonic youth ever tried to be, though. my bloody valentine came out with an album that changed british music and got the jesus & mary chain to sit up and listen. and then they went away. the most mysterious totally influential band ever. key album: loveless.

9. Fugazi. ian mackaye being the swirling gravitational mass around which all of d.c. hardcore orbited, fugazi is to blame for both emo and crap like good charlotte. thank you? key album: 13 songs.

10. New Order. forget kraftwerk and other crap. any good electronic music with a soul takes a page from new order. it's that combo of sounding happy but with lyrics that creep along a darker edge. key album: republic.

11. Jane's Addiction. i'm convinced that jane's addiction were the ones who really started to destory hair metal, piece by piece. by the time they made it on the sunset strip, poison and warrent were left to run on fumes. funk plus punk plus, uh, drugs. key album: nothing's shocking.

12. Radiohead. themselves influenced by other bands on this list, radiohead has been the most consistently rockingly experimental band of the last decade, and has left a million maudlin british bands in its wake, like little turds. key album: ok computer.

13. Guided By Voices. do not underestimate the power of guided by voices. a hipster essential. everyone owns them and no one listens to them. also apparently made north carolina cool. who knew? key album: under the bushes, under the stars.

14 & 15: Jeff Buckley and Elliott Smith. the sensitive singer-songwriters who died too soon. one had a magnificent instrument and used his multiple influences to create often swoopingly orchestral rock. one just wrote the sweetest, simplest, saddest little songs ever. any adult who still writes in a diary? listens to elliott smith and jeff buckley. key albums: buckley-grace; smith-xo.