phamos: (bleeding)
Britney makes me so, so, SO sad. That girl is really sick, and no one is taking care of her. No one has taken care of her for years, or maybe ever -- because she's just a gravy train. A very mentally ill gravy train.
phamos: (blowme)
Miscaviage vs. Denton. Ugh, I don't know who I'm supposed to root for in this -- they're both such horrible human beings. But, as usual, I'm on the fair use side of things, so...Denton. I feel dirty. To counteract that, I'm going to post links to the Gawker media posts I've found most heinous since Denton went on his 2008 page-views binge. (To clarify, starting January 1st, all the editors of Nick Denton's blogs get paid by the page view, so they've basically started trolling. It's pretty gross.)

Hey everyone! Let's make fun of some girl because her dad is a publisher! [Gawker]

Madams are inherently wise because they're sex-positive, even if we don't really know anything about how they treat their employees. Go Team Vagina! [Jezebel]

Fibromyalgia and Bipolar Disorder are totally made up by hysterical women. Shut the fuck up about your incurable pain, tools of the pharmaceutical industry! [Jezebel]

OK, to be fair, Moe's been posting obnoxiously inflammatory shit since before January.

Misquoting Katherine Heigl. [Defamer] Yeah, that one's totally minor, but it's still shoddy journalism.

Of course, when the atmosphere in a workplace drives an editor to quit after ONE DAY, what can you really expect? I know it's kinda cliché at this point to pile on Gawker, but whatever. Nick Denton is a jerk who gives his writers incentives to be assholes. Also, I'm pissed that he's forcing me to side with Vanessa Grigoriadis on something, which I don't like AT ALL .
phamos: (mario)
watch out, parents! there's a totally new trend in town. it's called "cutting"!

there is even a new genre of music -- "emo" -- associated with promoting the cutting culture.

also, your children collect pogs and read teh intarwebs.

phamos: (highschool)
i am listening to million you never made. it smells like stale cloves in allentown.
phamos: (umbrella)
last night i was put in a very weird, totally chick-lit situation which majorly tripped me out. i don't want to go into it (there was knitting involved), but suffice to say chrissy and yashar are awesome and totally commiserated and calmed me down after the fact and they rule. this situation also involved me walking home from 92nd and west end on my bad back. it didn't really hurt for the first 12 blocks or so; actually it felt like it was stretching my muscles out and was helpful. but i was wearing my ankle boots, which are really comfortable but do have about 1.5 inch heels, and whenever i walk on heels for too far my back alignment goes out. so today i have a big shoulder-ache on top of my (feeling much better by comparison but not healed by any means) lower back. i've massaged it and iced it and heated it, a strategy i think made my lower back feel so better today, but it still hurts. lying flat on the ground helps. but it's also giving me weird pains in my left hand, cramps and kinda shooting pains through my thumb and forefinger. but of course, that might be partly from putting numbers in my cell phone yesterday.
phamos: (me)
i should also post a blanket thank-you to everyone who's offered condolences. they are appreciated.
phamos: (bleeding)

R.I.P. Bumble BenZvi-Morris, August 18th 2003-July 31st 2004
phamos: (me) i dare
disturb the universe?
in a minute there is time
for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
for i have known them all already, known them all:—
have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
i have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
i know the voices dying with a dying fall
beneath the music from a farther room.
  so how should I presume?
and i have known the eyes already, known them all—
the eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
and when i am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
when i am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
then how should i begin
to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

...i am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
i have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
and i have seen the eternal footman hold my coat, and snicker,
and in short, i was afraid.
and would it have been worth it, after all,
after the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
would it have been worth while,
to have bitten off the matter with a smile,
to have squeezed the universe into a ball
to roll it toward some overwhelming question,
to say: “i am lazarus, come from the dead,
come back to tell you all, i shall tell you all”—
if one, settling a pillow by her head,
  should say: “that is not what i meant at all.
  that is not it, at all.”
...i grow old … i grow old …
i shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
shall i part my hair behind? do i dare to eat a peach?
i shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
i have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
i do not think that they will sing to me....
phamos: (political)
ok, i've been waffling. but i was just watching c-span and i've decided to vote for wes clark. i know by the time it comes to new york it probably won't matter anymore, and i will happily support whoever ends up being the candidate in the general election. but i love clark because he's just so unjaded. the unpolitician-ness about him really speaks to me. when he's confronted with real people with real problems, you can tell he is honestly touched by what each and every one of them have been through, and he's not just parroting slick emotion to win votes. he was at this forum in south carolina, and this native american woman held up a picture of her grandson and said, basically, "my grandson was diagnosed as bipolar 2 years ago. he could not afford his medication and died this past january." and she started crying, and you could just see wes clark's heart break. he talked about health care reform for a little while,a nd i liked what i was hearing. he seems to strike a good balance between public and private coverage, and i can see i agree with him on the negative role of pharmaceutical companies in this debate. i wish he'd talked about mental health parity, but i think he lost that train of thought because he wasn't actually answering a question from the grandmother but from the woman who was there with her. and then he took a few more questions, all of which i agreed with (no more tax incentives for companies that outsource jobs, raising minimum wage). and then when his segment was over, he went back over to the grandmother, clasped his hands and said, quietly, "i'm so sorry about your grandson. i'm so sorry for what you've been through. i promise we'll fix it." then, john edwards came out and you could hear him say "hey, wes, how're ya doin!" in this really cheerful voice and they hugged and everything. i think it's good to see that the two people i like best as people in this race get along so well. (i'm not an edwards supporter, because he's more conservative than i am and i also think he's a lot of talk, but he seems like a nice guy and how can i not love someone who officially announces their candidacy on the daily show?)

so, wes clark isn't going to win. and he seems to promise a whole lot and i'm not sure how the budget will stand all his proposals. but i like where he's coming from and i like how genuine he is. it would be fantastic if kerry chose him as a running mate. i think he'd make a wonderful southern counterpart to the ticket. a kerry-clark ticket is one i think i could get very excited about. kerry's got the government experience, they've both got military experience, clark will help get the south, they're both terribly intelligent and i like what i hear them saying. i just personally like clark a WHOLE lot. i think he's super-duper.
phamos: (death)
i have crazy (by patsy cline, not britney spears) stuck in my head.

this song is amazingly emotional for me. i used to joke that i would grow up to be a torch singer who ONLY sang crazy by patsy cline. and now that i'm older, i empathize with her pain but want her to stand up for herself. "no patsy, YOU'RE not crazy! HE's the jerk!"
phamos: (Default)
gah! the gaiman blog just vomited all over my friends page!

good to see the rss feed is working again, though.

i want to go back to sleep now, please.
phamos: (Default)
since segev took the digicam to japan with him, i can't yet take pictures of all the retardedly cute things simi is doing. so, i will be morbid and post a couple really cute pictures of fidget.

this is fidget thinking he's people.

this is fidget in what was his default position -- snuggled next to me.

i promise, as soon as i get the autopsy results and i bury his ashes, i will have some sort of closure on this and stop posting about it all the time. but until then, please continue to put up with my pathetic mourning process.
phamos: (Default)
i met two very lovely bois named chris yesterday. they are very different, but i liked them both.

got accosted by a jerk at the fetish club night we went to last night and was told to "smile, you're having fun." what kind of retard goes up to someone at a fetish club and tells them to smile? i wanted to punch him in the face and then say "sorry, my fetish is dominating total jackasses."

chado talked about neuromancer and obscure vinyl. a lot. aaron looked like a cross between andrew travelli (but i'm always the baron!) and my cousin sam. i don't think kevin said one word to me the whole time i was there. the d.j. looked EXACTLY like peter krause, and his girlfriend looked like carol kane. i ate the last slice of pizza and veronica was sad.

i think that sums up the evening.

the afternoon was lovely. my sister's new boi is like an abercrombie and fitch model with a brain and a goofy sense of humor. we sat on these rocks on an overhang in malibu and discussed strip yahtzee.

i think i'm going to rest for a minute now.
phamos: (Default)
went out with abby tonight. *bounce* *bounce*

tomorrow i'm dependent on mimi's car needs and amanda's availability. part of me just wants to say fuck it and sleep all day like i did today. but that's a waste of the money mom and dad payed to get me here. awwwww.

i keep talking about the fucking cat. shut up, maggie.
phamos: (Default)
i have to quit smoking because i can no longer afford to smoke. of course, this is when i have NEVER WANTED A CIGARETTE MORE!

phamos: (death)
i think i've put my finger on the worst part about losing someone. it's knowing that that feeling you get when you're around someone you love, the feeling that's particular only to them -- you will never get to experience that ever again. you can remember it, but each day that memory will grow slightly further away. how i felt when fidget would jump up on the bed next to me, flumph down next to me, or sneak up from behind me on the couch -- i can't get it anymore. it's almost there, and then it slips through my grasp. and there's nothing i can do about it.

simi is biting my toes. this cat lives at a gallop. she keeps flinging herself into or onto things. the fights her shadow on the wall by attacking it and then bouncing off. she runs one direction down the hall and then leaps at the door at the end, then bounces off, turns around, runs back and bounces off the door of the entertainment center. she spelunks the crevaces of my wicker hamper. she steps on segev's head while he's asleep. it's all incredibly cute.

but i don't love her yet. that's ok, i didn't love whistle and fidget right away, so i know i will love her given time. it's just...hard. hard because i did love fidget, so much, and it almost seems disrespectful to his incredibly laconic memory to have this whirlwind running around in his place.

hee. she really wants to play with segev right now. to bad he's unconscious.

i need a cigarette.
phamos: (amalthea)
i'm not religious. i believe in a lot of buddhist tenets, but i don't know if i believe in reincarnation. but i do believe that wherever fidget is, he's at peace. and so i'm sad, but i feel like wherever he is, he understands.

i'm going to go look at kittens tonight. whistle is really desperate for companionship. she follows me wherever i go and makes the most pitiful mewing noises. it makes me sad every single time i pet her.

this is all very hard.
phamos: (amalthea)
our newest donors are angela and elusis. thanks, you guys. at this point, i'll probably make enough money to cover the cost of adopting a new kitten, which is goal enough at this point. whistle is so pitifully lonely. just mewing a lot and always wanting to sit on my lap. i'm interested in seeing how she'll take to a new member of the family.

it's hard for me to deal with whistle right now, because i have no way of making her understand where fidget has gone and that he's not coming back. i've always thought that cats have no concept of death. they comprehend pain, and fear it, but i don't think they have the consciousness necessary to understand that things will come to an end. actually, i don't think i even really comprehend it. it is very hard to let go of that wish for fidget to just be there when i open the door, that he could magically come back. it's hard. just so hard.

anyway, if you missed the link the first time, feel free to contribute to the fidget memorial fund:

phamos: (kyra)
thanks so much to janet and ann for being the first to donate! you're so sweet, both of you.

unfortunately, this paypal stuff is more complicated than i though. i had to upgrade to a premiere account to receive credit card payments, which means they take a cut off the top (bleh), and i had to verify a bank account to deposit the money in, and that can't be verified until tomorrow when the test amounts paypal deposited show up on my bank activity. so, i hope it's not a big problem for you guys that your donations won't be accepted until tomorrow.

once again i am reminded of what a wonderful community of friends i have. Y'ALL ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRY AGAIN! stop that.
phamos: (amalthea)
This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you

All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the 'wrong' things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss, yes
I will give you tenderness

For child I am so glad I've found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you

And I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

-Sinead O'Connor


phamos: (Default)

March 2009

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